I've been hearing from a few different sources about what may constitute appropriate rewards for a token economy and this concept of special time with parents keeps coming up. And I've got to tell you, it raises my hackles. If this works for your children, in your family, that is awesome. As I've said before and will no doubt say again, just because something is wrong for my family doesn't mean it is wrong for your family. And to me, the idea that a child needs to earn the privilege of spending special time with his parents sets off the kind of deep, bellowing alarm bells every mother knows not to ignore.
To me, there is a big difference between special outings and special moments. A trip to the movies? Sure, that can be earned. Chuck E. Cheese (or as we refer to it, The Hideous Rat) or a dinner out at a favorite restaurant? Absoulutely. Things of that ilk can be put firmly into the category of "privileges Sam earns for good behavior."
But reading a story with me? A walk on a spring evening? Heading to the farm to see newborn animals? Going to the creek to see the first bluebells? Catching fireflies with his father on the first summer nights? These are the rights of childhood. I will not make these experiences conditional on behavior. Obviously, if his behavior is atrocious I might elect to postpone these, but he doesn't need to earn these. Spending special time with your loved ones is unconditional in this family. You don't need to be good, or smart, or funny, or obedient, or having a good day to participate in family life. These activities are ones that nourish our souls and replenish the wellspring from which we draw on in times of stress and trouble. I will not ration my son's childhood.
Showing posts with label little people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label little people. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Take Me for a Ride in Your Car, Car
So one of the more interesting aspects of being an ADD mom with an ADHD kid comes to play in the car. Sam talks in the car, CONSTANTLY. Like, demanding interactive answer kind of talking. I have ADD too. Which means it is super hard for me to tune him out. Ignoring him takes about 50-60% effort level for me. AND when there is traffic, or I'm trying to find my way someplace, it really requires 100% of my attention. So what's a mom to do?
A dear friend gave me some great tools for behavior modification, but for right now, the car isn't the place to start working on those. I need a solution that will work immediately, not one that gets worse before it gets better, which tends to be the case with behavior mod. Even if the "getting worse" period is just a few days, that presents a safety risk that I am unwilling to take.
So instead we're going with distraction. This has worked pretty well so far--I tell Sam that we can't talk right now, and pass back some coloring sheets and markers. Except then when we get to our destination, he is covered with marker, the caps are all missing, and it is a frightening hassle to try to get everything all put back together. I'm looking for ways to make my life easier, not trade one difficulty for another. Sure, I can substitute crayons for markers, and I will, but there are two main problems with that--Sam will break the crayons and then bitch about it, AND he'll get tired of it pretty quickly. So I need a grab-bag of quiet, mess-free activities for the car. Here are the ideas I have so far:
That's about all I got. Your ideas??
A dear friend gave me some great tools for behavior modification, but for right now, the car isn't the place to start working on those. I need a solution that will work immediately, not one that gets worse before it gets better, which tends to be the case with behavior mod. Even if the "getting worse" period is just a few days, that presents a safety risk that I am unwilling to take.
So instead we're going with distraction. This has worked pretty well so far--I tell Sam that we can't talk right now, and pass back some coloring sheets and markers. Except then when we get to our destination, he is covered with marker, the caps are all missing, and it is a frightening hassle to try to get everything all put back together. I'm looking for ways to make my life easier, not trade one difficulty for another. Sure, I can substitute crayons for markers, and I will, but there are two main problems with that--Sam will break the crayons and then bitch about it, AND he'll get tired of it pretty quickly. So I need a grab-bag of quiet, mess-free activities for the car. Here are the ideas I have so far:
- I'm going to make a bunch of CDs with his favorite music on them so he can sing along. I can ignore singing, just not questions.
- Some string and cheerios so he can make necklaces.
- Craft sticks with velcro attached so he can build.
- A cloth bag with magnetic toys inside and his magnetic fishing pole
- Various snacks
That's about all I got. Your ideas??
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Crouptastic
Last night we dropped Sam off at the childcare at the gym for parents night out. "It's a kid's party!" we told him. "No grown-ups!" he screamed and went haring off towards the climbing maze. No tearful looks back over his shoulder, no trembling parting, not even a "have a lovely night, Mother and Father." I think he may have mumbled "bye" but I can't be certain.
After a thrilling half-hour of running errands, R and I wound up at a rather unprepossessing little joint called "Kabob House." People. The food is amazing. The stewed pumpkin was, well, orgasmic. After dinner we rented an R-rated movie, watched it, picked up an exhausted but very happy little man, and came home congratulating ourselves on an awesome night for all concerned.
Then we all woke up around 1:45. Sam had this awful, horrible, barky cough, and a very frightening wheezing, rattling sound when he was breathing. Croup is scary shit, y'all. Fortunately, it is more scary than dangerous (usually. We know a darling little boy who has a disturbing tendency to wind up in the PICU with croup, but he's rather the exception that proves the rule.). R got Sam calmed down, a call to the doctor got me calmed down, and within half an hour Sam's breathing was considerably easier. R spent the whole night with Sam on his lap, while I went back to bed.
It is not easy or natural going back to bed when your kid is suffering. But I really suck without sleep. And Sam's dad was totally and completely meeting his needs. All I would have contributed would have been a fretting and increasingly ill-tempered body in the room. Whereas if I went to sleep I could provide a relief shift whenever R needed it. And I also knew that I would need to be on for tonight so R could get a full night of sleep before heading into work.
So tonight the wee little boy is tucked up into our bed, so that when the croup hits again we can handle it with a minimum of disruption to all involved. R will be bedding down in Sam's room so he can sleep undisturbed. That's how we roll.
After a thrilling half-hour of running errands, R and I wound up at a rather unprepossessing little joint called "Kabob House." People. The food is amazing. The stewed pumpkin was, well, orgasmic. After dinner we rented an R-rated movie, watched it, picked up an exhausted but very happy little man, and came home congratulating ourselves on an awesome night for all concerned.
Then we all woke up around 1:45. Sam had this awful, horrible, barky cough, and a very frightening wheezing, rattling sound when he was breathing. Croup is scary shit, y'all. Fortunately, it is more scary than dangerous (usually. We know a darling little boy who has a disturbing tendency to wind up in the PICU with croup, but he's rather the exception that proves the rule.). R got Sam calmed down, a call to the doctor got me calmed down, and within half an hour Sam's breathing was considerably easier. R spent the whole night with Sam on his lap, while I went back to bed.
It is not easy or natural going back to bed when your kid is suffering. But I really suck without sleep. And Sam's dad was totally and completely meeting his needs. All I would have contributed would have been a fretting and increasingly ill-tempered body in the room. Whereas if I went to sleep I could provide a relief shift whenever R needed it. And I also knew that I would need to be on for tonight so R could get a full night of sleep before heading into work.
So tonight the wee little boy is tucked up into our bed, so that when the croup hits again we can handle it with a minimum of disruption to all involved. R will be bedding down in Sam's room so he can sleep undisturbed. That's how we roll.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Good manners
Yesterday I got a an e-mail from Baby Center warning me not to force my kid to use manners. OK, maybe it didn't say that in so many words. But "experts" are now saying that you shouldn't say "what's the magic word" to get your kids to say "please" and "thank you," but instead just teach them through modeling. I don't understand why these are mutually exclusive. I model good manners for my kid, but I see absolutely no reason why I should allow him to order me about as though I am his servant. Two phrases in my parenting vocabulary are "I don't listen to orders" and "I don't listen to whining." Three is simply not too young to start teaching your child how to interact in a civilized fashion. Modeling alone may work for some children, buy my son is not so fragile that my insistence on being treated with respect will break his spirit.
The article also mentions that you should not force your child to say "I'm sorry." I know there are differing schools of thought on this, but in our family, we insist on apologies when someone has been hurt. I understand that it is important to teach your child empathy, but again, I don't think these are mutually exclusive. And also, I do think that knowing how to sincerely deliver an insincere apology is important. If my husband walks in the house just in time to hear me telling my friends that his brother is a man-whore of epically douchebaggy proportions,* I need to be able to apologize for that. But what if I'm honestly not sorry for saying that? I might be sorry my husband overheard that and it hurt them, but that's not the apology he's going to want to hear--it's not really going to make him feel better. I think especially in the workplace, being able to apologize for things you don't feel sorry about is an important life skill. Apologies are not supposed to make YOU feel better, they are supposed to make the other person feel better.
Obviously, when Sam does something I think he should apologize for, we also spend a bit of time talking about what he did, how he might feel if someone did that to him, how the other person probably feels, and what could make them feel better. But even if he says he doesn't want to apologize, I tell him that he must do it. To be honest, he hardly EVER balks at apologizing.
Good manners must be taught.
*Not only does my husband not have a brother, but whorishness does not run in his family, so I felt safe to use this example. If he did have a man-whore for a brother, he'd probably join me in the mocking.
The article also mentions that you should not force your child to say "I'm sorry." I know there are differing schools of thought on this, but in our family, we insist on apologies when someone has been hurt. I understand that it is important to teach your child empathy, but again, I don't think these are mutually exclusive. And also, I do think that knowing how to sincerely deliver an insincere apology is important. If my husband walks in the house just in time to hear me telling my friends that his brother is a man-whore of epically douchebaggy proportions,* I need to be able to apologize for that. But what if I'm honestly not sorry for saying that? I might be sorry my husband overheard that and it hurt them, but that's not the apology he's going to want to hear--it's not really going to make him feel better. I think especially in the workplace, being able to apologize for things you don't feel sorry about is an important life skill. Apologies are not supposed to make YOU feel better, they are supposed to make the other person feel better.
Obviously, when Sam does something I think he should apologize for, we also spend a bit of time talking about what he did, how he might feel if someone did that to him, how the other person probably feels, and what could make them feel better. But even if he says he doesn't want to apologize, I tell him that he must do it. To be honest, he hardly EVER balks at apologizing.
Good manners must be taught.
*Not only does my husband not have a brother, but whorishness does not run in his family, so I felt safe to use this example. If he did have a man-whore for a brother, he'd probably join me in the mocking.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Travel with little ones these days
There has been a lot in the news about problems people are having with the new TSA regulations, but this story hits home with me in a rather personal way. A three-year-old girl had to be separated from her teddy bear while the bear went through the baggage scanner, which got her upset. Then she had to be patted down while she was crying and screaming "Don't touch me! Stop touching me!" Heartbreaking, and in my opinion, almost totally unnecessary.
Obviously bears need to go through the scanner, and maybe her parents could have prepared her for that happening. But little people, ESPECIALLY three-year-olds, are not always rational. Her parents could have done a fabulous job preparing her for what was going to happen. Maybe it was naptime, or maybe she was hungry, or just overwhelmed. Regardless, the TSA agent could have handled this with more sensitivity. Little people need to be treated differently than grown-ups, and a one-size-fits-all everyone-must-suffer approach doesn't seem to be working out very well.
I know some people will say that if you're not prepared to deal with this, just don't fly. I'm willing to bet that those people don't have children AND family who lives on the other side of the country. We have members of our family who are physically unable to fly, and if we want our son to meet these family members (and if we want to see them ourselves), we have to fly. The husband can't take the kind of time off of work we would need to make a 6,000 mile round car trip. (If we're seeing both sides of the family, closer to 7,000 miles).
We'll likely be making a trip this summer to Los Angeles, and I will not be allowing my little guy to go through those full-body scanners. There is just too much unknown about how radiation affects a developing brain, and I don't want him taking any unnecessary risks with that kind of technology. It is one thing to get a medically necessary x-ray, but I don't believe the safety of air-travel is significantly compromised by not scanning our nation's small children.
Obviously bears need to go through the scanner, and maybe her parents could have prepared her for that happening. But little people, ESPECIALLY three-year-olds, are not always rational. Her parents could have done a fabulous job preparing her for what was going to happen. Maybe it was naptime, or maybe she was hungry, or just overwhelmed. Regardless, the TSA agent could have handled this with more sensitivity. Little people need to be treated differently than grown-ups, and a one-size-fits-all everyone-must-suffer approach doesn't seem to be working out very well.
I know some people will say that if you're not prepared to deal with this, just don't fly. I'm willing to bet that those people don't have children AND family who lives on the other side of the country. We have members of our family who are physically unable to fly, and if we want our son to meet these family members (and if we want to see them ourselves), we have to fly. The husband can't take the kind of time off of work we would need to make a 6,000 mile round car trip. (If we're seeing both sides of the family, closer to 7,000 miles).
We'll likely be making a trip this summer to Los Angeles, and I will not be allowing my little guy to go through those full-body scanners. There is just too much unknown about how radiation affects a developing brain, and I don't want him taking any unnecessary risks with that kind of technology. It is one thing to get a medically necessary x-ray, but I don't believe the safety of air-travel is significantly compromised by not scanning our nation's small children.
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